Continuing from the last post in this series:
I walked a path that brought me close to the point of self sabotage, where, as I described in my first post in this series, I trapped myself into SURVIVAL within the cycle of desire, hope, expectation, tied in with fear of losing / missing out on what I want, reacting more and more when I would encounter an obstacle, a failure, something not going as I expected, and locking myself into the pattern of Rage as the release of suppressed accumulated reactions. I came close to getting to a point where my anger would have made it impossible to continue developing my Agreement with my partner, and which would have led me further and further away from living my natural self expression.
…In posts to come I will walk through earlier events in my life and show how they influenced the formation of the desires, expectations, and self definitions through which I set myself up to walk the path of anger / self sabotage, and within this show how such a path could be prevented earlier in life, and how there are ways of understanding your world, understanding others, and how through developing this understanding, this practical awareness, one can transcend the pattern of emotional reaction, suppression, and struggle, and expand yourself beyond what you thought you were limited to – See more at: http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/04/day-292-understanding-my-relationship.html#sthash.YzIZP1mZ.dpuf
Something I’ve discovered in investigating how the reaction pattern of Anger came to exist in me, in looking back at my life from early on, is how anger actually in a way evolved and was given life over time through the gradual development of the ways I would interpret things in my world through reaction, through feeling as positive, or emotion as negative. When I was very very young – I have no memory of getting angry, or really of any significant Emotional or Feeling experiences at all. Like when I was a toddler, I can remember walking around the house, climbing on things, experiencing the textures and feel of things, seeing people, hearing them talk – but it’s like, I didn’t have a personality yet – I didn’t have a mental self image through which I related to / interpreted my world. I didn’t interpret events, people’s behavior and words through reactions, judgments, feelings, emotions. It was like – it was just there. What I can see is that the stage in my life in which I see I started to have like, a self-image, and started to feel good or feel bad about things is the stage where I had words – I had a vocabulary. I was learning ‘what things mean’, and I was forming a self image through receiving input and feedback from people in my environment in the form of words, and how the words were spoken.
In my next post in this series I’m going to look at what points my self image, my definition of myself started to form around.