How can a feeling of ‘love at first sight’ be accepted as a valid foundation for a relationship, when ‘at first sight’ — one actually knows nothing about the thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, judgments, definition, memories, patterns another person is walking with — and likewise the other knows nothing of such points that Self is walking with? How can we take this immediate feeling we call ‘love’, and claim that it indicates we ‘know’ a person, and ‘know’ that we’re ‘supposed to be with them’ when in fact we do not know them and do not know if we’re going to be able to stand and face all the dimensions of that person’s personality / thoughts / feelings / emotions / reactions? Isn’t that clearly a point of self deception / self dishonesty? Why do we accept self dishonesty / deception as the foundation of our decision about who we start relationships with?
I’ve been watching the Grey’s Anatomy series, which is a great show to watch to see examples of how ridiculous and immature our accepted definition of relationships really is.
In the beginning of the series, we’re introduced to a group of surgical interns freshly arrived at the fictional Seattle Grace Hospital. One of the first story lines that develops is intern George O’Malley’s crush on another intern, Meredith Grey. It’s one of those scenarios where the person sees another person, has a few interactions with them, and almost immediately is thrown into an experience of ‘I’m in love with this person’. However George does not tell Meredith how he feels, and as the season unfolds, a recurring theme is intern George O’Malley being given a ‘hard time’ by his other intern pals, who are constantly pushing him to reveal how he feels about intern Meredith.
So, as the season progresses, we arrive at an episode in which George strikes up a ‘friendship’ with a certain female intern….I forgot her name… and when it becomes clear that ‘she likes him’, George’s other intern friends urge him to ‘go for it’ as it were. George ends up dating the girl and having sex with her, but ultimately arrives at a point of decision, realizing that he’s really just ‘leading her on’, because he’e really ‘in love’ with his assumed-to-be-unrequited original crush, Meredith Grey. George ends up breaking up with his new girlfriend, telling her that he’s liked this other girl this whole time and wants to see what happens with her and that “I like you…..I just don’t like you enough…”.
It’s fascinating how nasty love actually is. I mean, we’ll actually tell someone ‘I don’t like you as much as this other person’, simply because we experienced a feeling coming up when we saw someone and then started fantasizing about being with them – even if we’ve only seen them and have never even spoken with them or spent any time with them or gotten to know them at all — we’ll still accept this ‘feeling’ as an indication of ‘this person has more value than another person’.
I mean doesn’t the whole ‘I like you more than I like that other person’, and ‘I love only you, no one else’, and ‘you’re the most special to me’, indicate that anyone who experiences a feeling of Love and allows Love to be the basis of any decision, is in fact participating in Judgment toward others, and Discrimination toward others? I mean, ‘I don’t like you because you have different interests than me and I don’t like your face or the way your body and clothing looks, or the way your voice sounds’ — How is that really any different from Racism? And, to top it all off — we don’t ever even question or investigate how this feeling was created, where did it come from, what is actually behind it, what are the consequences of following this feeling. I mean it’s obvious there are consequences to accepting and allowing these automatic experiences to direct our living — just look at the violence, rape, greed, destruction, abuse that takes places daily around the world, all in the name of ‘doing what you feel in the moment’? But apparently at the same time we’re following these automated feelings and emotions that come in toward things and people, we’re also supposedly ‘free’ and have ‘free choice’…but how can that be true when some experience of feeling that we did not make a directive Choice / Decision to create, is being allowed to make choice on our behalf? Sounds like a robot following a program, doesn’t it?
Let’s explore this further through more Self Honest questioning:
What is this feeling of ‘love at first sight’ actually based on?
When such feelings eventually ‘wear off’, and one starts experiencing conflicts, disagreements, reactions, irritations, anger, blame, secret nasty thoughts toward one’s partner — what does that say about the initial feeling of ‘love’? Doesn’t that indicate that the ‘warm and fuzzy feeling’ is just a momentary ‘buzz’ that is triggered when we encounter a person who has certain qualities like appearance / sound of voice / style / interests / opinions that fit within what we’ve connected a positive value judgment to? Doesn’t that indicate that ‘Love at First Sight’ has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with our own self interest / fantasies?
Isn’t it ironic that what we call ‘love’ actually goes hand in hand with negative Judgments toward others — where we’ll look at someone who does NOT fulfill our particular desires / preferences, and we’ll see them as someone we ‘don’t like so much’? How can we call it ‘love’ when our ‘love’ requires us to dislike / devalue another based on their appearance / interests / style?
Why do we see our behavior of ‘liking and disliking’ people as ‘normal’, and as just part of ‘human nature’, when the fact is that when we were very young — we had no such judgments toward anyone, and did not experience for example irritation or disgust toward one person’s appearance, nor warm and fuzzy feelings or desires toward someone else’s appearance? Doesn’t that indicate that the behavior and experience of ‘liking and disliking’ people, and ‘loving or not loving’ someone, is actually programmed into us after we are born? Doesn’t this indicate that our innocence and unconditionality is brainwashed out of us after we are born? Doesn’t this indicate that our preferences and likes and dislikes toward different people are not in fact ‘our own’, but are just a program running in our minds that we’ve accepted as who we are?
How can compassion exist when we do not like everyone equally?
How can love exist when we do not love everyone equally?
How can harmony exist within humanity when currently we’re only ‘harmonious’ when we’re in relationships with people who fulfill our particular desires and likes, and where, we will throw a fit, get angry, depressed, nasty, and cut our ties with people who are not in alignment / agreement with out particular likes and dislikes, judgments, desires and wants?
How can we ever really know and understand ourselves and develop self honesty with ourselves when we run away from the things that trigger negative experiences in us, without slowing down and taking the time to investigate where such negative experiences are originating within how we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to define ourselves since our birth?
How can we ever resolve conflict and war in Humanity as a whole, if we can’t even resolve our own judgments and reactions toward each other at the level of our immediate relationships?
Why do we blindly accept ourselves to be directed by reactions of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, instead of pushing ourselves to investigate where such experiences are coming from?
Why do we immediately jump to justifications like ‘we can’t understand our own minds’, or ‘human nature can’t change’, or ‘god made me this way’, or ‘you’re analyzing things too much’?
Why would we want to exist in a way where there are things going on inside ourselves which we don’t see and understand and realize how it works and where it came from? Isn’t that the definition of Ignorance?
Why would we claim that the entire purpose of our existence is to follow ‘what feels good’ and have everything go according to ‘what I want’, and to be with one person that we value and see as ‘special’ while devaluing all other beings that don’t trigger a feeling we call ‘love’? Isn’t that a totally selfish and immature idea?
If we’re ever going to mature as a species enough to stop abusing each other, we’re going to have to learn to take responsibility for our own minds – and change our nature. We’re going to have to learn how to co-exist with each other and support each other and value each other as Equal Living Beings, instead of seeing each other as pictures that are merely there to fulfill our individual fantasies, or be ignored and disregarded as a ‘lesser being’.